Fitting in

After a long sabbatical or much ignorance, I'm back. Don't know why I kept away for so long, but rather not rant about it and get to business.

So lately I've been sensing an air of irritation (if something like this ever existed) every time someone talks about weight gain or loss. Diet plans being shared, gym fees being paid; all for the greater good of keeping fit. Then why isn't my brain processing it as extra information and ignoring it and instead getting cheesed just by the mention of it.

Maybe its 'coz my mind is strong but the body is weak. So if I decide to wake up early to do some stretches, I invariably wake up half hour late, only to realize my otherwise-half-hour-routine will have to be wrapped up in 15 minutes (...yaeks). Or as much as I intend to resist the home-made cakes or the tasty chips, out of sheer laziness to prepare breakfast or an inherent attraction to fried food, I end up feasting on the yummy treat.

Then again, there's the belief that I need to eat well to ensure to deliver a healthy baby (I'm wondering about all those lanky women who have had healthy babies in the past and why they didn't prophecize about their remarkable feat :P )

So if you were to tell me you want to stay fit and live a longer life, I would support you. But here's a a few reasons that I just don't buy-
1. Lose weight so your better-half appreciates it (Can I buy him/her a DVD of Shallow Hal?)
2. Since my friend is doing it, I want to try it too
3. Fit into a dress - an impressive personality would be much more appreciated and I would say don't pick a dress you need to fit into. Rather buy clothes that suit your body type)

As a foodie, I think my belief is pretty simple. If at 30, you have essentially 30 good years to live. Out of which at least 15 will be with some or the other health issues. So why not eat now and enjoy...Now don't get me wrong. I hate the glutton. But sometimes an extra bite is  no harm.

Now wait ... where is that green tea that I ordered? 


  

Hello!

I walked in the door and there you were.

Nervously sipping your cup of cappuccino,

Wiping off the lipstick stain of the rim of the cup.

Looking slightly embarrassed wondering if anyone took notice.

I decided to take a distant table.

One, from where I could catch glimpses of you.

Watch you as you gingerly maneuver your clutch, fetching a mirror.

Once again adjusting your fringes; then wondering if you should have left your tresses open.

I looked at the watch again.

Only half hour late.

And I wondered if it mattered to him…

To have to make you wait?

                        

The waiter looked at you eagerly.

And your eyes answered him almost instantly,

Apologizing for him.

A few seconds later came a phone call.

Your eyes light up like fireflies in the jungle.

But soon they brim with tears.

And you are trying to so hard to hide them,

But no avail.

So you pay the check and walk away.

So I curse myself again, wondering if I should have just walked by,

And said “Hello …”

Now that you're gone.

I feel crippled today.
As though someone took away a limb, or one of those six senses.
Like someone robbed the voice inside of me,
And placed that loving heart in that wooden box, right next to you.

The voice has got silenced.
No more does it talk, or laugh or breathe even.
It just lies there confused, lifeless.

No more does the ink flow on paper,
Like the blood in healthy veins.
Perhaps an imitation of your being.

No more does the hand have courage,
For no words get penned.
Just agony on paper.

Then like a ray of hope a thought dawns that maybe in a parallel universe,
These words are being written so that you see my thoughts breathe again.
You are resuscitating them.
Giving them wings, so they reach you.

Or maybe that voice was silenced so a new one emerges.
This time it being yours not mine.
That you get a chance to say what you couldn't,
To live again.
This time through my words.

Pain

You speak of death like it were a joke.
Like your absence makes no difference to me.
Like I could just erase you from the memories I've never let go off ...
Those that I hold close in the most painful moments, a cushion to feel comforted.

Why then do you inflict the pain with those words?
Do you not realize that when you feel pain it is I who feel it more.
Physical pain is easier to overcome, but how do I separate the emotional turmoil from a physical being.

For I have been there in that very space, long after you left.
You moved on, but I stayed.

As though I was frozen in that very moment.
Shackled in your pain,
Hurting, mourning.

I make every attempt to take it away from you.
But the pain seems to linger.
Wreaking us in more ways than one.

My only hope that through each day, I lessen it further.
One day to be triumphant and make you wish you prayed for a life ... with me.

Letting go...

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”
—Unknown

More than often this is what I've told friends who called on a bad day when they got turned down or were going through a difficult time in their relationship. The irony being that they would call me for advice; someone who hadn't been in a relationship for almost forever. 

Then, much later I came to the realization, that for one, its so difficult to let go. The most difficult part of a relationship is not the fights, the arguments or the long-distance. It is really that moment when one has to withdraw, or step away from someone that they can imagine to spend a single moment without. 

And how does one set someone  they love free? Movie love always taught us that the exes would sent back each others presents, letters and what not. But how does one erase the memories? Does one just forget all those plans they had made? You tend to associate a lot of tangible and intangible things to that relationship. I'm sure we would remember that place where we sat and spoke for hours with our loved one or the song that he/she would tease you about. Or just the words in his/her vocabulary that at one point had become a part of yours. 

And once you let go, say life does change course and it does come back. Are things the same? Even if its a momentary lapse of time, does it feel the same as it did earlier? I think not. 

I think (and I'm sure that most people agree) that you share a part of you with your beloved that you can't take back. That's really what you have to set free when you let go. Not your beloved but a part of you. 

There was an interesting line I came across recently that fits perfectly well in this context. It's something on the lines of 'When you love someone you give them something that's most precious. Your time. 'Coz its something that part of your life can't have back.'  

Surely that's what life means. Time that you share and time that sometimes you let go off. 

Its not just about U n Me.

Holy Matrimony. Wedlock. Shaadi.

Yes, it is about those 'beautiful' time in your life when you (or in most cases your parents) decide that you need to act your age and find someone who can tolerate you (yes, love, in all likelihood would be just a passing phase). So if you are lucky you have already found yourself the One. If not, then welcome to the world of Arranged Marriages.

Here's a confession being made in public (no, I'm not an Alcoholic) .. I'm going thru' the 'Need to find right man NOW' syndrome. Like most other young girls (yes, I prefer to still be called a girl .. not lady) my age, I'm succumbing to this syndrome.

Here's some symptoms so you could get your doubts cleared, if you think you are suffering from it -
Symptom no.1 - Avoiding social gathering (especially those that involve relatives (read: Aunties) who have decided they were born so they can find you your knight in shining armour.

Symptom no.2 -  You are registered with more than one Matrimony site. And believe you me, there are people who are registered with 4 - 5. So possibly two is decent, 5 means you better visit a doc.

Symptom no. 3 - You almost add a good looking stranger to your social network profile (Who knows where it all begins?)

Symptom no. 4 - Your parents are screening every friend of the opposite sex. And when you return from an outing with them, they look at you with this suggestive smile and say "So... ????"

Symptom no. 5 - You just opened your Facebook profile this morning and saw the wedding pictures of one more classmate and are thinking that if he/she could find someone then  .... (you know the rest)

Symptom no. 6 - You read the above 5 symptoms and said, "I can add so many more to this"

By the end of the entire ordeal, if you do land up finding the man/woman of your dreams, you move to phase 2 where you are possibly turning into Bridezilla. Everyone and their neighbor is going to have an opinion.

It all starts with the Groom itself. A zillion questions; who is he, where from, about his family, how did it happen, have you'll fixed a date yet???? ... (phew)



What color is your gown going to be (yes, the big debate about white and off-white or pearl white.... )? The amount of jewelery, the guest-list,  the food, the flowers and yes the latest .. the theme for the wedding....


How could I forget - where are you going for your honeymoon?  (for crying out loud).

So really do all these things really matter? Where it all began was just a companion you wanted to spend your life with.

So does the sanctity  of a beautiful beginning with a loved one really stay. Suddenly its not about you and me anymore. What does become of it is just one BIG FAT Wedding.

Memories

You woke up this morning with no memory of yesterday
or of so many days that had gone by.

No. There were no candlelight dinners, no moonlit walks on the beach, no long drives.
But there were those special moments that meant more.

Like the day we first met. The day you walked into that cafe and complimented me on how beautiful my writing was...

Like the night we spoke to each other endlessly . After a drained battery and a four-hour conversation we realized it was Love. That's when you coaxed me and begged me to say those three words.

Or the time you reached out for my hand at the movies and held it, and made me feel like the high-school romance on screen was coming true off screen.

The words, the arguments, the fights and the peck on the cheek.
The little gestures, the winks, the jokes and the giggles.
The gleaming eyes and the yearning for a kiss even if we were miles apart ...

The impatience to see each other, even when at times our dates were not more than ten minutes.
The two word text messages, and the three word "I Love You".

You've lost every moment but as for me...
I 'm going to lock it up in words that you will read someday,
And recall who I was and who we were.

That day I'll be there.
I'll be there like a prayer on your lips.
Like the faded roses on your table that withered 'coz you didn't pay heed.
Like the photo frame on your nightstand, of one of those moments captured.


That day you may not find me sitting next to you like I do every moment now.
But I promise to be with you forever...
To linger somewhere in your thoughts and in your memories.
Fading away as time goes by yet in union with you forever.